Depressingly, I've been alive for 40 years and I've finally, after failing at it my whole life, given up on connecting with anyone and the world around me. I concede, I surrender. I'm not going to try ever again to find "my people" and "my home". I've felt like I don't belong, that I'm a broken failed human, stunted at manhood and adulthood, like a foreigner in the land of my birth, intensely lonely and isolated all my life especially among other humans, even family and I'm simply, with exasperated chagrin and grudging fatalism, accepting my place of nowhere in this world.
I lost, I'm lost, I'm not going to ever again attempt to fix myself. Not because I don't care, but because I care so much and deeply and pervasively it's acutely agonizing and I've no clue how to make it stop, make it stop. Therapy and antidepressants accomplish worse than nothing. More and more am I craving to booze myself into a stumbling stupor, to get blazed and blow my mind on weed and psychedelics, just to switch off the Badwrong Thoughts and the Depression Doldrums, to MAKE THE HURTING STOP if only for a short while.
I'm beyond exhausted with being continually misunderstood, mischaracterized, misinterpreted, misconstrued, and mocked. I'm done explaining my behavior, my being, my beliefs, my likes and my dislikes, my natural proclivities and my personal preferences, my values, my aspirations, my hopes, my dreams. I'm finished begging others to listen to me, to understand me, to accept all of me as I am without masking, without roleplaying someone I'm not (at great discomfort, stress, tiresome burn-out, and emotional drain to myself for no benefit and without reason) to "fit in", "not rock the boat", not be "too much", not be the "tallest nail", to not be accused of having a "desire to be different" or "special snowflake disorder" or "adult chuunibyou", not be "offensive", to not have to apologize for the crime of being born.
Now I only wish to seek only myself (wherever I am, if I'm anywhere) and for lack of better words: God, Tao, Zen, Ultimate Ground Of Being, Stream-Entry, Cosmic Consciousness. I've run out of hope, and running out of copes, of it ever happening. I see no path ahead of me that doesn't involve spending another handful of decades Post too long. Click here to view the full text.