/hypno/ - board available

>>93588

Yeah, the files do have an effect.

A few months ago, I listened to the beta male stuff and it got me to actually change my behavior irl. Like I offered to help my female friend with some important/boring work for free.

She gladly gave me the work, but then it was so intensive that I felt annoyed after a few weeks because I had commited to it and I wasn't horny for unrelated reasons. Only managed to finish the work and send it in for her a few weeks back.

I remember feeling so influenced, that I was also about to message my female manager and just tell her how grateful I was for not being mad at my mistakes and how glad I am to work for her.

My normal self cant stand how nitpicking this manager is, but when I listen to these files, I don't know what happens lol.

That said, I do feel dissapointed that they are very much using some ChatGPT esque text for the most recent files. Completely kills the mood. Does anyone know if there are any alternatives to FSU who make similar content at the same level as the old files?

>>93608

>ChatGPT esque text

Could you expand on that? Asking genuinely coz I didn't notice that. Specific file where this is noticeable?

>any alternatives to FSU

That would be great. Alas. I haven't seen anything even close to it.

>>93612

Like I write articles everyday as my main gig. Im allowed to use chatgpt for the low budget pieces and after having chatgpt generate hundreds of pieces, you can sort of instantly recognize the kind of sentence structure that AI uses.

I'll try to find an example with a time stamp in a bit, but anyone who has used chatgpt extensively will recognize that some files or at least some sections are def ai scripted.

Also, I just found someone somewhat similar by way of sharietraining on kemono. Very similar in terms of themes

>>93588

it works pretty much and if you invest too much energy onto this, it can really take over your reality and swallow you up.

right now im living the dream, clear consensual relation of submission with a girl im in love with. but this opportunity only appeared to me after years fighting or trying to escape this training. after a while i thought i could get really sick if i didnt try and experience this for real. and the thing is, life kind simply brought to me once i accepted.

>>93608

I've also been disappointed by the FSU's slide in quality, and the Ai images just don't do it for me, but I think they're a huge step up from shari3training, which is just straight-up slop. I could never use any of the sharie files, because the scripts are completely unedited, with no rational consistency, and it's impossible to pretend there's a thinking person behind the file. If FSU is using Ai scripts, the quality is much higher.

That said, the only new content I've found that is even close to the old stalkerb33 files is J0yride research. I only have the first 6 of their files (from the j0yride thread: aHR0cHM6Ly84a3VuLnRvcC9oeXBuby9yZXMvODk5MjQuaHRtbCM5MTQwNwo= ), but I'd be really interested in seeing more if anyone gives them a try. They have a bunch of teasers on YT & r3ddit too, for the curious.

aHR0cHM6Ly9qb3lyaWRlcmVzZWFyY2guY29tLwo=

cmVkZGl0LmNvbS9yL0ZlbWRvbU1pbmRDb250cm9sLwo=

eW91dHViZS5jb20vY2hhbm5lbC9VQ0NmVkNWWlJzMEZlb0J0aG5zV3VkNEEK

>>93640

This shit? Again?

It's total crap. And it gets crappier every time.

>>93650

These files have completely ruined my ability to date or even have any meaningful interaction with women and I love it. I've accepted my place as a locked loser simp, you should to.

>>93650

i think this is how it works. it plants a little seed in your brain that you cant remove anymore. you just cant let it go. and then they put into the most intense and most enigmatic and specific erotic experience you had to the point you cannot really explain it. and then its done. you cannot move backwards, unsee what what you saw and unfeel what you felt. so you open yourself more and more to their suggestions. for istance: sissification was not a thing to me when i started. now i love it. so, once you start to arouse yourself with their pure feminine power, i dont think its really possible to escape anymore. and this adds a lot to it, because you'll start hating it sometimes, because of the power they have over you and no matter how hard you try, you cannot win. so you love it but you hate it at the same time.

there is one file where they say something like this, that you are just a male like many others who tried and failed to resist. that it happens all the time, even to males who are stronger than you, so in the end there is no chance.

>>93650

You are right that all of this is self-inflicted but at the same time it's not like you have a choice. At your core you have a deep desire to give up control. You have become a prisoner of your own lust for surrender. Then chastity training begins. Nothing really stops you from cumming in your cage. You might not even wear a cage. And yet you don't cum. Meanwhile, while being in a state of increasingly unbearable horniness, you get more and more ideas and concepts loaded into you. Critical thinking is almost completely impaired at this point, so you greedily take on every piece of information, internalizing new dogmas with incredible speed. This results in a profound deep change. It's not just psychological, it's much deeper. The fact that you no longer have a post nut clarity indicates that this is neurological. You literally trained your brain to be in a constant haze of arousal and submission, solidifying your self-image as a beta male forever. And the best part? You love it.

I know all this because I'm just like you.

I've looked at/listened to some of these files and they suck. I don't know if you're all just shills or have lowered your standards for content so much that this crap seems worthwhile, but I don't see the appeal here at all.

>>93640

These are really well done, but their technique of slipping in creepy shit for shock value ruins it for me. I'm sorry but randomly showing me a black widow or a heart donor having their chest cavity open just brings me right out of it.

>>93675

Yeah the videos are trash try hard shit.

Maybe I should just rip the audio and listen to those alone.

>>93588

You bet your ass it works. Combine it with a real woman who's a genuinely cruel manipulator and your mind will be devastated like a body getting hit by a 30mm cannon. My Goddess ended up almost driving me to such staggering heights of despair I nearly killed myself. And now that I'm no longer under her spell, I've come out on the other end transformed, no longer plagued by my lifelong anxiety disorder and constantly worrying about falling short of standards imposed by others. I've never before been this autonomous and unimpeded by negative opinions of others about myself.

If you get torn down to the point where your identity is emptied of substance and "you" no longer exist, it gives opportunity to become someone else entirely and left behind those things like anxiety.

She was and is a rotten bitch and I wouldn't spit o her if she were on fire but goddamn if she didn't catalyze the most major transformation I've ever experienced

>>93588 I also want to mention, last April I also had an experience similar to the panic attack you had when you woke up. I wasn't sleeping but I was deep into a long porn binge when I decided to put on a FSU file for the first time in years. I hadn't listened to or watched any of their files since the early 丂ㄒ卂ㄥҜ乇尺乃乇乇 days, when stuff like the first my penis is not for sex video was still uploaded to pornhub. I hadn't heard any of their new stuff and didn't know how much they had improved in quality. I was listening to platonic litte creeper and it was like my life was being described and Luna hex was retelling the plot of everything. I recognized myself in so much of the behavior that was described and I had a debilitating panic attack but I was paralyzed and couldn't turn off the file if I wanted. I wasn't even jerking off I just got a strong erection and was leaking precum (which is notable because the whole session was fueled by Adderall which prevented me from getting a hard on. I was only able to get hard with great effort when looking at pictures of my crush, stopping stimulation or looking at any other porn vids or pics and I immediately went flaccid from the drugs. So it's a testament to how insanely powerful that file was in that moment that I got rock hard without touching myself).

I just sat there in terror and shock, realizing who I was, and it hit me 10 times harder than 9 months earlier when, about a month after telling my crush I developed feelings for her and she rejected mez telling me else started dating an older guy with tons of money, I took weed edibles and listened to Goddess Ꮆ尺卂匚丨乇's loser therapy files (highly recommended if you like FSU) and had a panic attack then where I realized for the first time I'm a beta orbiter. That was tame in comparison to platonic little creeper.

I had to go to work a day later and had a job in a kitchen helper in a retirement home at that time, and the first thing I did every morning was take a bunch of buckets with food scraps that each floor's kitchens in the different groups (the kitchen where I worked cooked lunch and sent up ingredients for the group kitchens to make breakfast and dinner) sent down the night before and I'd empty them into a big stinking disgusting bin. I had not until that point ever hated myself more than that morning and my whole life I had hated myself and had zero confidence. I was so disgusted and dissatisfied and disappointed with who I was and how much of a loser I was, having to do a revolting task like that, handling repulsive and reeking food garbage, knowing that the motherfucking asshole was extraordinarily loaded, taking the woman I loved with all my heart on lavish trips, and fucking her brains out every night, while I was alone every day and night, desperately hoping for a text from her. She told me after their first date, when I still thought we were actually friends, and before I confessed my feelings but after she had already figured as much as I later found out, she looked at me with a smile and said "oh my pussy can't take that stuff anymore" knowing exactly how much that fucked me up knowing how hard he'd pound her.

It was quite the ride. In some ways I miss it all too because once you no longer have a real crush the files do not hit with the same intensity

i'm new to FSU, it is interesting. are there any files that allow any orgasm or are they all denial files?

>>93737

Bro, do you even lift

Seriously though, take up weights and/or a strong daily yoga practice like Ashtanga. You'll feel your life begin to change.

>>93747

My life has already changed. I'm not in that situation I talked about anymore. I feel liberated and happier than I've ever been

>>93743

Beta Simp denial training, but it's as part of a game/challenge and it's not guaranteed you get to cum, if you play along that is. You can just ignore the rules and release anyway

Can someone post h0w w0m3n c0mpl3t3ly control bta males

Can someone post h0w w0m3n c0mpl3t3ly control bta males

Lemons bump

Kemono bump

Kemono dump

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>>93737

your experience hit me in the nuts. im going thru a similar situation, but i think its worse, it is more complex certainly and she is playing more with my expectations and trapping me - and the think became explicit about female domination and adoration now.

but i started to cry because i dont want to live like this, enduring this reality for more 20/30 years. i spend my whole day having intrusive thoughts. ive lost interest of others girls. and my mind is always torturing me with this images of her having sex with whoever she wants. every word of her cuts me deep because she is always bringing her extreme healthy and powerful sexlife. i dont want to live in a relity so cruel and unfair where my mind doesnt let this things go and use it for torturing myself, and with the help of content like this, to mold even more my sexuality around this dynamics.

i mean, i believe in another life, reencarnation, and all this, and i think this can imprison my soul even more into further cycles of suffering.and i can see no way out of it. my mind and my whole body feels like a prison. ill start looking for help because im having su1c1dal 1deations now.

>>93788

I'm not OP, but please take care of yourself. You clearly don't enjoy this content and that's okay, it's not for everybody. In my case, this type of content helps me with the strong dysphoric feelings that I've had all my life. So it has been healing in a sort of twisted way. But you're clearly struggling with this dynamic, and should never feel the way that you're feeling right now. Maybe you should consider cutting that person off of your life that clearly doesn't respect your boundaries and is making you have all those nasty thoughts. So please just try to stay away from the internet for a while, or at least this type of content. Eat healthy, exercise, meditate, find hobbies, make a to do list, meet new people. And there's no shame in seeking help to escape this cycle, you're doing the right thing.

This is valid for anyone reading this that may be having such thoughts.

>>93788

Start lifting bro

>>93736

This is very interesting if true. Usually, this type of abuse and manipulation leaves the victim scarred: C-PTSD, trauma bond and enmeshment, identity erosion, learned helplessness. I'm intrigued by your statement that it did almost the opposite for you. Could you expand on that?

In particular, I'm interested in:

1. What was your breaking point?

2. How did it change you?

3. Do you have anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure)?

4. What's your libido now compared to before?

5. Are you still kinky? Still attracted to the same things?

6. Since, I presume, you and "your Goddess" are not in touch anymore, are you looking for new relationships? If so, do you look for the same type?

>>93791

thank you for your words brother.

the difficult part is that i am add1ct3d. so i always come back for more. its like fucking hell

>>93809

I've been there, and it took me years to do this myself, but have you considered talking to a therapist regarding this? I was embarrassed to admit things to another human, so it took me forever. But once I started getting help, I wondered why I didn't do it earlier.

There is more help available than you realize, you just need to reach out and ask for it. Just make a phone call, do a Google search, sign up for a virtual therapy appointment… do it now.

It gets better; I can promise you that!

>>93788

I'm the guy you replied to. I'll tel you a bit about my approach but can't speak on how universally effective it will be. If you really don't want this cunt in your life anymore, which is understandable, what I started with was just removing reminders of her from my apartment. Everything she ever gave me, because there was a bunch of stuff, like a candle I got from her or a little metal thing for loose tea she gave me, anything that when I saw it made me think of her. Just put them all in one box or something, tape it shut and put it somewhere where you'll rarely see it, I put mine in the topmost section of the highest cabinet in my kitchen. I knew I had to sever myself from her and not give her the power she had over me but was nowhere near close enough to throw anything away although when I did that I burned one photo of her just to confirm I can in theory, but I knew I'd regret it so bad at that stage if I permanently got rid of any of it let alone everything I'd be so devastated it might push me over the brink, so I just settled for out of sight out of mind at first.

That was extremely helpful in liberating myself.

Also, don't block her or delete your chats. If you can archive them like on WhatsApp which is what's very common here in Germany, you don't even see her chat, otherwise mute her, and turn off notifications for her stories or shit like that if you don't want to see them at all, or if you can't resist yet, and you're lucky and her account is public, use a fake account, but honestly if her account is private, do your best not to view any stories. You will have at least some sense of balancing knowing she will not see your name among the people that looked at her story. If she contacts you, wait at least 36 hours to reply and don't address the delay. If she calls, only pick up of she tries a third time. She never called me so I never got to do that unfortunately but at this point I don't really give a shit anymore. Last time she messaged me was on my birthday, and I did reply to her, because I also don't want to openly show that she got under my skin. Obviously she knows she did but it's about not giving her the satisfaction of getting a fuming "you mean bitch you did bla" whatever shit you'd like to tell her.

Write it all down, everything, but never send her anything accusatory, always keep up the understanding selfless unconditionally loving and caring role you wanted to fill in her life, but of course from now on your words are as empty as hers always were.

If you've figured for a while that she's not pure and kind but actually just a manipulative bitch because she doesn't know how to handle her own litany of personality disorders, and you still cling to her regardless, you haven't accepted it fully. Allow yourself to believe the most uncharitable interpretation of what you thought of her. Tell yourself over and over again that if she ever had any issues with hurting you, she wouldn't have allowed it to happen so many countless times.

That phase is actually perfectly cut out for talking to ChatGPT for because this is an instance where the relentless sycophancy it's programmed to always have turned up high is exactly what you need; confirmation that you judged everything correctly and you're in the right.

If you haven't already spent insane hours making the most charitable excuses for her behavior, you have time for fairness after you're completely free from her, but if you're life me you explored all other lines of inquiry already

>>93788

>>93832

Now, I went to therapy for this too, and encourage you to be open to any and all approaches, but far beyond this crush situation, I had and have many personal issues, and I went to therapy for that as well, not the situation with her exclusively and I have come to the conclusion that the approaches that conventional therapy uses have not been effective enough for me to pursue any further. I did get ECT during one psych ward stint and I'd bet some good money that had she not held me in the depths like an anchor, it would have either eliminated or significantly reduced the severity of major chronic depression I've had since, let's just say for simplicity, 13 years of age.

That's a treatment you'll likely only get offered if you do therapy with first line treatments first, so in that sense, go for it. However I'm done with it. In fact I recently had my quarterly psychiatrist appointment for renewing my prescription for bupropion which I hadn't been taking since around may anyway, and told her, I have no more need for it anymore because my depression got so much better, and did so respectfully and thanking her, even though she and her colleagues didn't have shit to do with it and nothing they told me helped me move forward. Although I don't know how much of what they told me that didn't work in the moment ended up being what heavily influenced the decisions like removing reminders from my apartment that ultimately did work, but if so, it was all implied stuff I later had to work out into a method, because no one ever explicitly suggested that.

I wish you the best of luck with this. Do not ever give that whore the satisfaction of knowing she was so important to you that it made you kill yourself. You're not important to her. She'd be more sad reading a story online about a dog getting run over than knowing you're dead. She'd be flattered of anything. I know she seems like God Herself, but trust me, she's a 7.8 or something. Pretty for sure but you're blinded by obsession. Not love btw, it's pathological obsession.

As for the rebirth thing, I hope you'll understand that I don't feel it's worth it looking for but among my hundreds of pages it would end up being, I wrote a few things about how I felt that reality only consisted of her and me. She was the only real thing in existence and I only gained existence by her will. If she ignored me I ceased to exist. All other parts of reality are illusions to set a stage for endless lifetimes of me desperately trying to win her love but never being worthy and her love always out of reach but my only reason for existing. So I do really know what you're talking about. It's bullshit, don't give it any weight.

I have never been in a relationship and never experienced a breakup so idk how much of this is just standard practice after a breakup but because I had no one to talk to about this in the sI'm gay I would have actually liked, I had to do it as I went along. It probably wasn't the healthiest approach but at least something finally worked

Also one more thing, it doesn't mean you can't ever consume fsu or anything similar ever again. If you enjoyed it when you were not under this level of psychological stress and agony, you have a liking for that as a fetish to have fun with. This is not what's happening to you. You're being severely emotionally mistreated and manipulated. In a controlled environment like with a doninatrix or a woman who isn't a fucking psycho it can still be fun, just be really careful and never let yourself make ANYONE but yourself the highest priority

>>93795

It is the truth but I don't know how unintentionally positive it seemed

If I said this in a way that made the state I arrived at seem overwhelmingly positive or like I recommend it, I did not mean to do that. This is not desirable for the vast majority of people but I'm so unconcerned and fully dgaf that I embrace it and have a lot of fun with it but only because nothing matters anymore and I became a total nihilist in terms of placing any value in much of anything. I'm definitely damaged from this. However the relapse early December was not uninterrupted until now, and there were notable stretches of abstinence in between and this entire development is not just entirely explained by opioids, take that with however many grains of salt you wish.

What was your breaking point?

I still think about this often. I don't know if my post made it seem like I'm completely done processing the situation or am not still working things out. If it did, I didn't express myself well enough. As for the breaking point, there were a few significant events I'll put as briefly as I can because being thorough would be too much as there's so much context and detail but here they are:

-Meeting her boyfriend early December last year and at the end of the meeting where he paid for my fucking dinner as well, the piece of shit dared to give me a hug giving me one of the most terrifying experiences of my life when I got home and took a ton of edibles and relapsed on IV opioid, at one point I began having a panic attack, and in my minds eye it was like I knew behind the fog was the dangerous and terrifying threat that made me have this fight or flight or freeze response, I froze, btw , and as the fog cleared slowly, the panic spiked once or twice, and suddenly I saw her and felt extreme overwhelming fear at the thought of her, and in that moment I remembered the last few times I had seen her, that feeling was already there, but buried.

- Next, she got to know me well enough over the years, and I got to know her as well, that she knew, and in the past definitely would have, checked up on me about whether meeting her bf was okay for me or whatever, even without romantic feelings. She did the same thing at the beginning when I met a woman friend of hers. I had social anxiety and issues meeting new people. She knew this shit. So when she did not contact me at all after that day, and did not reply at all to my merry Christmas text message, that was significant too

-her Christmas card which read as mockery dressed up as compliments on my character, and having the audacity of giving me a bag of gifts that was without a doubt just add water instant snack thing she grabbed from her pantry and a lotion she definitely just grabbed from her bathroom (which is still useful when I use it to jerk off) and the best gift ever, just putting the unopened bag of high end tea I got her at the beginning of the year in the bag. At that point I was like "she's just having fun seeing how much shit you're willing to eat and thank her for it"

-After a final flare up of beta bitch desperation telling her how much she means to me, which again went unanswered, and a message a few days later asking if we could talk on the phone was answered late that night saying she'll call me tomorrow. If there was a breaking point as in the moment I no longer felt what I thought was love, it was sometime in the early morning hours of that day where I thought "she's not going to call me back and she's not going to mention it. She'll just let it pass as if it's nothing" and that was absolutely a moment that felt like a switch flipping.

So that last one was probably the final one but the other ones were too important not to talk about

>>93795

How did it change you?

I lost hope and any desire or ambition to meet outward expectations, I feel very unbothered by things, but not unaffected. I used to hold some pretty fucked views on worthlessness and who deserves to live. I didn't ever count myself among those worthy of living, but also did not think that about people with down syndrome or autism. Lots of irrational hatred that I now realize was just a mix of hating what parts of myself I saw reflected in for example, many autistic people, and jealousy in how people with down syndrome are often joyful without ever paying one bit of attention to what people think. I feel like a monster for having ever entertained such ideas. I also very much dislike thinking about suffering in the world. I don't avoid it to protect myself from it but violence and cruelty are unmistakably clear to me as the abominable acts of terror they are. I'm way too old to have these insights and should have realized it long ago but it took me this long.

If I didn't know better than to let myself fall into delusions like that, I'd convince myself I'm enlightened. I'm definitely not. I feel it's more similar, if anything, to absurdist philosophies, which is in a way exactly what I always longed for. A type of epiphany like event like the part in Samuel Beckett's krapps last tape, in the section where he talks about the vision at the end of the jetty.

I did not come out of this unscathed but another one of the people I admire greatly was Nietzsche, and he said what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm a lot more honest with myself and realize things I struggled to understand until now

I'm no longer suicidal and wouldn't intentionally seek out death, had a profound experience related to that just on Wednesday, but also do not give a shit if I do die.

3. Do you have anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure)?

Not anymore. I did at different times throughout the time I was under her spell but now I'm in a positive mood more often than ever before. I was depressed for more than half my life. I have had more joy just laughing at MSSP moments than I ever had even when the SSRIs were at their most effective. Keep in mind I'm on daily mainlined hardcore opioids and stimulants

4. What's your libido now compared to before?

Dead at the moment but that's because opioids kill the sex drive, when I'm not on the junk I have an average level libido I'd say, nothing at all like the multiple times a day overwhelming urges to stroke and listen to training files like at the height of obsession

Are you still kinky? Still attracted to the same things?

Yes, pretty much completely , in fact, when I was super obsessed, I wasn't able to be turned on by anything like she did. Now I'm back to being able to get off to all my old favorite flavors, if I'm in the mood. I've been trying to get myself to look at an album of pics I wanted to look at for the past day and a half but my sex drive is so dull I've been occupied by other stuff until now. After posting this I'll slam another hit and then I'll finally do it god damn it lol

6. Since, I presume, you and "your Goddess" are not in touch anymore, are you looking for new relationships? If so, do you look for the same type?

Nah, I don't see myself pursuing any relationship any time soon. Should it miraculously just sort of happen and I fall ass backwards into a relationship, I guess I won't forcefully refuse but I'm done running after the carrots women dangle in front of men. I'm not playing along with their hard to get bullshit. Should they be braindead enough to be interested in a shameless dope fiend like me, she can work for it, otherwise I won't pursue a fools errand.

I don't let anyone tell me what I should do or whether what I'm doing is good or right.

I'm very damaged and don't discount the possibility of C-PTSD but then again if in my mind, no aspect of any of this comes close to being as unbearable as even my usual levels of depression, what's the real issue if I technically meet clinical diagnostic criteria.

I prefer this to incessant depression and anyone not accepting that as a necessary precondition to being open to hearing them out is not worth my time, like my psychiatrist who would not have accepted my unwillingness to work on kicking and staying off. If they don't have to live it they don't get to tell me how I handle it, especially if nothing they suggested so far did anything >>93795

>>93795

One more thing about identity erosion. It completely wiped away my identity, but like I said in that post, it allowed me to redefine who and what I am. I know to all conventional and healthy mindset this seems like an awful path to go down, but that's part of my decision to dismiss any outside opinions. I have first hand experience and to me it seems pretty sweet. So I don't care about other outside assessments.

I'm sorry for rambling but since it seems like we passed the bump limit for this one, I just wanted to point anyone who's interested in getting an idea of my state of mind last year, get a load of this bullshit when I was still thinking about nothing except how she's God and I'm nothing

>>88965

>>88909

>>88904

>>87859

>>87439

>>87438

>>87437

>>87436

>>87413

>>87410

You'll just have to take my word for it that me just admitting that I wrote that, even on an anonymous board, is a strong indicator of the transformation I went through. I would have never said this without being embarrassed once I no longer felt like that but if I were back to my regular anxiety ridden bitch self

I feel like this is also worth mentioning that throughout this entire time I was also frequently doing psychedelics and dissociatives and those trips did a lot of the heavy lifting as far as changing my views on her behavior and motivations.

>>93788

>>93788

I accidentally hit send before I was finished but basically the rest was just general advice to this dude specifically and anyone in general that if you decide to try therapy, if you go to a psychiatric unit where you stay a while and have group sessions, and just fellow patients in general, the problems you're there to work on, which you will probably be able to find common ground for, it's really conducive to bonding, with male or female patients, sometimes really deep bonds that just come from the other person being able to understand things in a way no one you talked to until then could. Ultimately it's up to the person in that situation, but in hindsight, I would not let any clinic associations endure until after getting out again. It can look like a priceless connection that you want to cherish and nurture, and the other person may even say shit to make all of that even stronger, but just keep in mind, chances are that someone in a psych ward is fucked in the head. There's absolutely people who go through events that are too challenging for them to deal with on their own, like for instance a death in the family, difficult breakups or maybe something like finding out they're adopted, idk, but be otherwise well adjusted. But there's also a lot of people in looney bins with a number of personality disorders, like me, and if someone like that runs into another sample mix of personality disorders that can see vulnerabilities to exploit, you run a real risk of letting your guard down so much by the time you get the first hint of malicious motives, they're already all the way in and can wreak havoc.

So if you go to therapy as an inpatient, which might be the thing to do ASAP if you're acutely suicidal, read up on how to spot a manipulator, there's articles about this to no end. Reading them was like reading narrations of our early "friendship"

One final thing, I'd still be interested in working with psychiatrists to diagnose some stuff I'm not sure about anymore, for example I have recently started to wonder if I may have very mild tourettes that I'm just able to control in public, and that most of the time when I'm home alone don't get overwhelming or even noticeable to a degree that ever made me question if it could be tourettes, but when I am on disinhibiting drug combinations at sort of a sweet spot dosage I'll start glitching out with (idk if they actually are) tics, have?noticed "acquiring new tics" that from then on have happened again and again, and other stuff. I'd gain nothing from a diagnosis or ruling it because even when I'm high like that, if I'm in public I can keep a lot of it under control but it requires total focus, so it's not negatively affecting my life, but I'd find it insanely interesting

I'd also like to work with psychologists just to explore my psyche and getting into the things that shaped me in my early life and stuff, but without "getting better" as a goal. I just want to learn about myself and find that rewarding in itself,. A "getting better" approach will always make it non-negotiable that I quit and stay sober or the genius alternative of substitution where I'm still on the junk but don't get anything out of it, but at least no one is enabling my use. I would be really glad to do psychological work with someone trained in it without insisting on it being therapeutic with all the implications, but I don't think I can find any psychologist like that

>>93832

>>93788

Sorry to everyone that I'm rambling so much but I'm so high and had so much to say but also not fully focused so please bear with me and this is the legit last addition to all this.

I forgot one thing about the box with the stuff she gave me. It was actually just at the beginning of this month, on the 5th which is the first anniversary of me mainlining dope for the first time, and I thought it was cause for some celebration by breaking a bunch of the shit from that box, just treating it irreverently and finally being able to see it all for the worthless shit and covert insults it all was. It was fun but I'm so unconcerned with her, save for the disdain that's still going strong, that it wasn't even that big a deal, which made it all the more satisfying because if it had felt liberating and like a significant thing, it would have been a sign how important she actually still is. But it's nice and you'll enjoy it once you're over her, because believe me she's so not worth the frustration and pain. I do not need to meet her to know that for sure.

>>93833

I also didn't make it obvious that I didn't just tell my psychiatrist that I went off the bupropion but also that I wouldn't go to her for appointments anymore which she accepted but did not think is a good idea because of me using and not being willing to quit yet, which was a lie (the first one btw) as I don't plan on kicking for any reason except tolerance breaks.

This is important, I didn't lie to her throughout the time I was her actual patient, and definitely do not lie to your therapists, or to nurses and other colleagues that you can open up to and have insightful discussions with. It's fine to leave stuff out at first if it simply takes some time and work until you can talk about it like you need to, but you have to be honest and never lie if you want to get better, because a good therapist can be extremely helpful, as the countless people who benefit immensely from it prove. That goes for how comfortable you feel with a given therapist as well. I had a cognitive behavioral therapist and even though he clearly knew what he was doing, that type of approach did nothing at all for me but at that time I was still so insecure and just a straight up scared pussy, and it took be like 5 or 6 appointments after I discussed it with my sister and wanted to tell him it's not working for me. If you tend to be like that, remember they've had other patients say they don't see them making progress together, and ultimately you waste your own time that you could improve using other methods, and people it may be the perfect way for could take the appointment slot you might not need.

I know this may not apply to you at all and all we have in common is being in a difficult situation involving FSU and crushes, but since the bump limit is already hit I guess it's not that big of a deal and if someone can get at least a little bit from it, why not.

Just nobody take away from this that you should quit your jobs to pursue a full-time commitment to being a raging dope fiend. That is an acquired taste I guess

Kraut anon: I've read your whole saga. Holy shit, dude. Honestly, I have no idea how did you manage to claw yourself out of this. It's a fucking miracle to me. And I'm glad you're in much better space psychologically. Your transformation from no self-worth, being on the brink of suicide to being free from opinions of others, free from the grip of your crush inspires me. Not sure if I could follow the same path, but good for you. I'm kinda vicariously glad for your success. And I know, it's not really a success in the mainstream sense (you being "dope fiend" and shit), but it's a success from where I'm standing.

I didn't get this

>>93833

>I had no one to talk to about this in the sI'm gay I would have actually liked, I had to do it as I went along.

Seems like you cut out a part of it.

Also, something about this magical thinking moment: seeing her name in a magnet link and interpreting it as a cosmic sign. Yeah, I've had similar experiences. Though, I guess, most of us had those. But for some reason this really echoed in me when I read about it.

I've started to notice a pattern here. With your story, with mine, as well as different pieces from other anons here. It seems that people like us were fucked up from the start. FSU was just a catalyst or explanatory framework for pre-existing insecurities, if you will. Like there was this schism: on the one hand there is this fake male persona we've built to fit in into this society with all it's expectations of men, on the other — real experiences we've had with other people and women especially (or rather, complete lack of certain experiences) has clearly shown us our true place and value in society. Having this conflict inside, we saw FSU and subsequent increasingly self-degrading behaviour towards women as a means to smash one piece into the other, to create conflict with the hopes to find resolution. At least, that's what I was trying to do, with little to no success. And that's imo, what you did. So, anyway, glad you're alive.

I'm the person who wrote these:

>>93588

>>93795

>>93841

its not possible for me to tell you the whole story. but this is a very strange relationship from the very start. we met under ver special conditions and there was love at first sight. at that very moment she was the most beautiful woman i have ever seen. she is sort of a witch, and has a personal magnetism. she is very powerful and things always come in her way. and ive seen this many times. so there was many sincronicities, telepathy, dreams, and we came to believe we knew each other from a different life. but things didnt went well, she got confused, and we had to separate because she was interested in other people. we went back and forth until in one of these circunstances she was keeping me at a safe distance, creating a lot of expectations, and then i realized she was dating someone else. it was the best sex i ever had. then at some moment in the last year we started to talk again, because i had a deam with her, woke up, and there was a message. so we could talk, we went deep, discussed things we never did, and there was space for forgiveness. then we started talking again everyday, like falling in love again, she said she was still in love with me, but right now she is in the middle of a fucking relationship. she said it wasnt going well, the sex wasnt good, they were very different etc.

the thing is, in the last 4 years ive been training with FSU, ever since i broke with her. and then we started talking about our desires, our fetishes, and i confessed i had this desire of being enslaved, to live a female led relationship, and then she revealed her true form, that she is a dominant bitch, that she would love to do this with me, that we never tried such a thing, that this is very transgressive, and like a fuck1ng witch she started to explain to me who i really am, what i really like, that in her family all husbands submited to the women at the end, then she said what she would do to me, and i had an orgasm, just by hearing her words.

and then we started an experience for a month, i was her slave, at her work, her apartment, and she was eating my soul away saying about her many crazy things she did to men, that drive then crazy etc. but now she is not planning to finish her relationship anymore, and now im here, absolutely obsessed, all her demons jumped into me, my mind is heavy and foggy. i couldnt believe that she totally understood my fetish and wanted to join it, because it was growing like a dark shadow into me, and then she not only knew everything about it, but could lead it on into further realms of pleasure. we experienced such different things, intense and pleasurable things together, that i cannot stop thinking about it. and many times she said, openly, that she won't let me go away, that she want me enslaved and trapped into my desire for her. and now that im suffering, cannot sleep, these words are echoing in my mind the whole day. i mean, where can I run to? i cannot recover from such a trauma. the terrain in my soul was prepared for years for a witch like this to enslave me. it seem i was looking for such a thing to happen and now i cannot complain.

Does anybody have any new files? Kemono hasnt been updated in a few months. Would love an update!

>>93848

I'm not trying to dismiss the details of the situation but I don't think any of that is a priority right now. You said you feel like you want to commit suicide, and details and nuance aside, it's because of that woman. So first thing I think you should do without waiting any longer is grt to your local ER and tell them you are worried about hurting yourself. Idk about your country but I'm sure it won't put you in a difficult position. Seriously, get away from her

>>93929

So, I started walking the lawn. The rake and shovel were already locked away in the garage, and I didn't want to bother her again for the key. So, I walked the lawn, and picked up as many walnuts as I could carry at a time, then walked them back to the trash can. After 2 or 3 trips of feeling absolutely horrible for being so lazy, I decided that it would be a fitting punishment to slip one of the black walnuts into my mouth and keep it there until I got to the trash can.

I counted 373 additional walnuts that I had missed!!! Some of them were still on the surface of the ground, but many others had dug themselves into the lawn, and I had to dig them out on my hands and knees. I ended up finding so many of these, that I ended up crawling around the entire lawn during my final pass to ensure I hadn't missed a single one. It was extremely humiliating and humbling.

Once I was finished, I stood at the bottom of the deck and said, "I am done. Would you like to…" but my ex cut me off by holding up a single finger, showing that I should wait for her. I assume she must have wanted to finish the chapter of the book she was reading without being interrupted. After about 5 minutes, without removing her eyes from the book, she said, "if I come down there, am I going to find any more?" I told her that I didn't believe so, as I had walked the yard twice, and crawled it an additional time. She laughed at the thought, and told me to continue checking until I couldn't find a single walnut after 2 passes. Once I did that, I could leave. I apologized for bothering her and started yet another pass of the lawn. I was almost done when I found 3 more walnuts hiding on the other side of a tree root. I placed one of them in my mouth and carried the other two as I completed this pass of the lawn. I did two more passes, and I was unsuccessful in finding any more walnuts. By the time I had finished, I found that my ex had gone out to the store, as her car was no longer there. I loaded the additional walnuts into my truck, and promptly left, as I didn't want to stick around for longer than I needed.

I now have the 373 walnuts that were found after my ex had to come down to start pointing them out to me. As a punishment, I dumped the 373 onto my bed, and I am going to sleep with them to ensure I pay better attention to detail in the future. Every morning when waking up, and every evening before bed, I am to count them to ensure all of them remain on my bed. If one had fallen on the floor, I must pick it up with my mouth and put it back on the bed. Next Saturday, I will return to my ex's house to ensure no more walnuts have fallen in her yard. I will crawl the entire yard until I am able to do it 3 times without finding any walnuts. For every walnut that I do find, I will be allowed to remove one from my bed. This will incentivize me to do a better job in looking for walnuts. I will continue to repeat this every Saturday until there are no walnuts remaining in my bed.

There were also the 3 walnuts that I found after I told my ex that there were no more in the yard. These 3 will be carried with me as a constant reminder of my laziness. They must remain within arm's reach for the duration of the punishment. If I am sitting, I may put them down next to me, but if I am walking somewhere, I must carry them. I am not allowed to put them into a pocket or elsewhere; I must be carrying them in my hand. If I drop one, or find that I have forgotten to take them with me, I will add another walnut to the group. If I end up going the entire day without adding another, I am allowed to remove one. This punishment ends when I get to 0 walnuts.

I hope to have more opportunities to serve my ex, and hope I am able to do a better job in the future.

2/2