No.28201 [View All]
The corner where we shove all the unpleasant stuff we gotta put somewhere. I'll start.
I don't know why I'm alive. This world is lousy and I'm not strong enough to deal with it. As is common with depression I can't very well enjoy things and anything and everything has a gray filter to it. It goes beyond that though, I simply cannot hold on to anything, nothing is mine to hold important in the end because I'm so defective and untuned to embrace this world or any other imaginable one. Living is just intangible chains and barricades and as much as I'm able to I hate it. Over and over I tell myself it would all be better if I could just not be me, to not be me would be to not have these unfixable problems. I don't want help, nobody could possibly provide me any real aid and the authority I'm supposed to turn to is a sick joke. The world is just one big bully and I sit and take it because I can't fight.
I'm sorry for making this thread, it doesn't even do anything for me but I have to do something even if it's just whining and complaining only for the sake of doing so.
____________________________
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No.40395
Doubled my anti-depressant and started me on this to help sperging at work.
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No.40406
This is what depression looks like. Not pictured: four or five empty pizza boxes on the other side of the room and my bedroom.
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No.40410
>>40406
Clean up your damn room
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No.40414
I try my hardest to stay happy, but there's gonna be a point where I might just explode.
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No.40421
Time to copy-paste from failbook IM a giant wall of text to a coworker:
>Today I gave [girl] a few Crush sodas as a kind of corny/casual way of telling her how I feel. I'm thinking she either didn't get it or is just ignoring it. I'm still too much a beta to outright say it to her face but hey, baby steps amirite?
<You do know your not in her shade right? Sorry to bust your balls brother.
>No, she's in mine cuz, well, shadow…
>But eh, better than to keep it to myself forever.
>Worst thing is she says no.
<NO you flirt away practice makes perfect.
>But she makes it too easy she pretty much just smiles and giggles at everything I say or do.
>Even, like, playing with her hair or poking her cheek.
>And, well, all the times I've caught her out of the corner of my eye staring at me or kind of looking then quickly looking away.
>Have you noticed her putting her hands on anyone else? Like, friendly pats and such? She's done that to me quite a bit but I can't recall her doing the same to others.
—
>I woke up after dreaming of making out with [girl]. GOD DAMN IT.
>And last week I dreamt I saw her arm-in-arm with someone else and feeling burning jealousy. And gutstabbed when later I tried and she rebuffed me. Grrr, this is highly bothersome.
<Yeah even though I'm married I understand what your going through. I used to have the hots for this guy years ago and finally we hooked up once before I was married and now it bothers me even seeing him when I do.
>Sucks that I've had feelings for her as long as last October or November. It's a lot stronger when I'm in a depressive state; otherwise she's just a cute lady with pretty eyes and a lovely smile. But even then the first time I see her or hear her name in a day I get a hot flash in my cheeks and a cold "sinking" down through gut. Never felt so strongly towards anyone like that before. And I can even understand, logically, why and even how this came about. But surely you've heard enough about my thirsty beta, beta-orbiting, AFC, oneitis-afflicted sorry ass… ??
>I don't even think of her in a sexual way. Like, at all. Well okay I've checked out her booty a few times when up close but other than that…
>Sorry, you're the first person I've told anyone of this. Been eating away at me trying to keep it to myself, especially a whole heap of negative self-talk about mu being absolutely convinced a thin, pretty thing like her would barf at the idea of being with a disgusting, sick-in-the-head, zero-status, boring landwhale like myself. Hell, if they REALLY got to know me (and not the cheery-when-not-moody mask/face I wear at work) I'm sure people like Sarah Sims, Lillie, and Felicia would probably think of me (in terms of physical, personality, and social-standing attractiveness) like a puddle of diseased dog diarrhea.
(the body was too long)
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No.40422
>>40421
>Again, sorry for the ranting, it just feels nice to bitch and moan and get my whiny candyassery off my chest. Thank you for listening. I mean that.
>(I brought up those three as examples of women who, even I though chubby, could most likely get much better dicks [metaphorically and literally] than mine.)
>Sorry if I'm coming across as sexist for ranking looks and so on… I'm just seeing pretty much every woman as far superior in equivalent attractiveness in every respect (looks, personality, etc) so why should I expect anyone to take me as better than a joke and a failure of a man.
<Your a great guy and will find your diamond. Just let her find the gold heart of yours. None of those women are even worth a minute of Anon's time. You are strong, handsome and friendly someone will come along soon. Anytime you wanna rant I'm here to listen. Thank you for working with me today. You are Awesome!!
>Meh. I've already resigned to dieing a kissless virgin. I'm damaged goods (mentally and physically) and my only means of getting myself or another wet is settling for equally damaged goods, and I'm too much of a psychotic fuggo to put up with, I don't have the energy to deal with another of my "level". Ah well, there's always pr0n and J-Pop to keep The Bad Feels relatively escaped from for a little while at a time.
>Eh, don't mind me, I'm in Depress-o Mode from caffeine crash mostly. I'll probably feel relatively better after a good night's rest. ??
>Hopefully I'll have that "comfortable emptiness" within instead of puking and sobbing like a little bitch. ??
—
>Anyway, let's see if I can explain why I've fallen so hard for that little brat. (Yes gonna go on about her some more ?? )
—
>at first she's like maybe 1/3 other coworkers in our dept.: pretty enough to catch my eye
>then I start to notice she has a REALLY pretty smile, and she's only a few steps away from being 'my type' physically, and I start thinking "she's super-cute, I will mess with her just to see if I can't make her grin"
>she responds positively to my "mock light-flirting" and (when I got enough guts to push my luck) even hair strokes & cheek pokes
>notice she acts more-or-less the same when other guys act the same with her
>but then a few times she would stop and chit-chat with me when I'm alone in the break room or counting down my drawer – wait, did she do this before or after I began to like her? I can't remember.
>I distinctly remember other things, like:
>giving me a much different kind of smile I hadn't watched her give anyone else that struck me square in the sternum
>that other time I was crouched while filling condiments and every time she'd walk past me to deliver orders she'd run her fingers over the back of my neck (which I thought was accidental the first few times) but then she'd stop for a moment to tap-tap or scritch-scritch (that's clearly… unless she's done such to other dudes…)
>several other times catching her out of the corner of my eye staring at me or glancing in my direction with incredibly sad expressions
>offering to help and sometimes ask if I need water when I'm stressing out
>patting me on the back when walking past or near me
>once gently took my elbow and asked how I was
>such as the above few got me REALLY thinking about her: "does she like me? feel sorry for me?" though several happened after.. well, keep reading
>but any positive considerations would almost always be shut down by me following up such thoughts with the likes of
(the body was [still] too long)
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No.40423
>>40422
>"a cute li'l sweetheart like her would never be interested in your lardass, she's just a cock-teasing slut, look at how she interacts with everyone else, no one would ever be interested in you, you have nice hair/eyes/face but she'd gag if she ever saw you shirtless and especially pantsless and/or learned of the 'real you' how even uglier you are on the inside than the outside, you will die alone and unloved as you deserve to you worthless excuse of a little boy"
>blah-blah-blah, such self-defeating thoughts inevitably arise when I register even the littlest hint of a girl being even the littlest bit interested in or attracted to me…
>I didn't really like her yet, but I was REALLY close
>then the moment I realized she kinda-sorta resembled a celebrity I DID crush on at that time, [finger-snap] I had a kind of "crush-transference" and from that instant on I've hardly been able to keep her out of my thoughts for too long
>most two or three times a week, in between periods when she's near-daily (or sometimes hourly!) she or at least her name has intruded on my conscious day-dreaming
>depending on my mood my physiological reaction to such mental/emotional meanderings goes from (at most "positive") of a light-hearted, "fluffy warmth" that usually necessitates I breathe deeply once or twice to calm myself, to (at most "negative") a long, rusty, salted knife twisting into my abdomen
>typically somewhere between these extremes
>but either way wish to fuck I could get her out of my head, out of my head, out of my head, so damned distracting most the time, wish I was still in Supernormal-Stimulation mode from stuffing my eyes with sexy/cute anime to which I've pretty much outgrown…
>or at least "enjoy" my celebrity crushes knowing I'm only perving on an unobtainable act which is far "better" than having the steak wafting right under my nose; seems "better" to crave a steak on television than unable to take a bite when it's close enough for me to just lean in a little closer and chomp-chomp…
—
>. . . brevity is the soul of wit, so they say. But I'm quite the lackwit blunderer I would say!
—
Other facts:
>she did have a boyfriend, not sure if she does now but that boyfriend died (either a car accident or he got shot, I forget which) and I don't know if she's found another
>she's acted this way towards me and let I and other guys "flirt" with her even when she wasn't single (assuming she is now?)
>this is a red flag telling me even against all odds she'd want to date me that I shouldn't… but emotion refuses to listen to reason… ugh…
>whenever I've seen her be chit-chatty with other dudes, smiling and giggling and so forth, many times I've wished to scream and break their arms and so forth; would likely be MUCH worse if she were my girlfriend; what a possessive asshole I am, huh?
>oh yeah almost forgot: once she wanted me to tell another coworker something but I was about to leave, and she actually gave me her phone number to text her the other worker's response. let me re-iterate: A GIRL I LIKE GAVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER. I was walking on clouds for days
>when I texted her about such-and-so and she thanked me, for like every 3-5 days afterwards I tried texting her, until after like 3 or 4 messages I wasn't getting any responses I gave up and figured she was ignoring or blocked me which pissed me off; I really fucking hate being ignored, especially over the Internet'
>I'd sometimes ask about that in person and she'd tell me she doesn't get my texts… heh… something tells me she's lying… too convenient… but oh well, it's her choice, her business to (if I'm correct in my assumption) be two-faced like that… but still hurts
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No.40424
>>40423
Coworker I was chatting with came back online and had this to say:
<If she gave you her number before January she has changed it due to family issues.
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No.40441
>>40424
UPDATE: Finally saw her today. She let me know that I had her old number, and when I asked she gave me her new one. Also, while talking to her, she told me she was single.
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No.40444
>>40441
Another update: she didn't respond to my handful of texts. run sadcunt.exe
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No.40455
>>40444
tl;dr update: we're now trading texts occasionally, I was just being an impatient little bitch
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No.40510
>>40455
Congrats on becoming a hyper chad normalfriend. don't mess it up. Good luck. Have fun
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No.40773
I feel constantly torn between my desire to have friends and my desire to be alone. I've been trying to condense all my feelings into a single post for months, but it just isn't coming together, so this will be a jumbled wall of text I hope no one reads.
Being alone feels good for the most part and I don't enjoy being around other people, yet I feel drawn to them like a moth to a flame and every single time I act on this impulse, I regret it. Not because I run into bad people or anything, but because I find social relationships unbearably awkward, stressful and confining. For as long as I can remember, I've been stuck in this perpetual cycle of making friends, abruptly cutting ties with them, seeking them out again or making new friends, then cutting ties with everyone. On and on it goes. The few times I've brought this up with someone, the response has always been that having friends is good and that I should try to find some kind of balance, but for me it's an on/off thing. If I have even one friend, I can no longer enjoy the parts of being alone that I like, and the loneliness doesn't go away either.
From about 2012 to 2017, I didn't really talk to anyone except my brother and it went well, but two years ago I decided to make friends again and since then everything has become a bit irregular. I feel lonelier than ever, yet I find friendships even more unbearable than before. Nothing satisfies me anymore. I made a friend last year who was perfect in pretty much every way. Kind, easy to talk to, relaxed and non-judgemental, etc. We talked every day all year long pretty much, but I still stopped talking to him out of the blue last December and while it was almost unbearably painful for the first month, the truth is that I don't miss him at all now. Despite having the ideal, dream friend, I view last year as a mistake and I regret it. Every time I want to make new friends now I feel like 'no, never again'.
For the past eight months I've avoided people and haven't visited imageboards either, and I've been doing much better than usual. I've had a few opportunities to make new friends and every time I've recoiled. Still, I have this gnawing feeling sometimes that I'm doing everything wrong, that I'm going to regret not having friends, but I just can't accept it. When I was younger, I used to be able to throw myself into my solitary lifestyle and not think about this sort of thing, but that doesn't work anymore, hence my confusion.
I don't think there's a solution. I just wanted to vent a little. I feel like this post is too long; I'm sorry.
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No.40799
Sometimes I think about how I could die any day, any time. People can die in traffic accidents, for instance. And almost nobody can avoid traffic.
I think about how I don't want to die and how I keep postponing doing the little things I wanted to do but have problems finding courage or time away from school to actually do that.
I think about how I keep only looking after myself. Even though, its critical time in my life… I kind of regret not being more kind to my mom. I regret being cold to her and blaming her, in my mind, for something she doesn't know is happening and about which she can do little to change.
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No.40819
I don't have anyone to talk to and this board is dead.
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No.40907
I looked through my old school photos and yearbooks and saw a lot of evidence girls were into me that I never pursued.
Also messed up a relationship with a good girl because I was a coomer. There were problems but would've liked to see where it went. It felt like a real love story you know meeting in person being similar and having similar pasts. Both my old jobs told me to not be a nice guy but I saw flaws in the guys there that I pointed out to myself as justification for staying the same. I even tried to be an asshole and ruined things more. Just now I swallowed my pride and read up on nice guys and saw that you have to be confident and stick up for yourself and speak up but you can still be nice. I wish I knew a lot earlier. I feel a little bitter still about my past and not having family to rely on, but I know I have to push through this pain. I know a gf won't fix me but it's what I wanted for a long time and I got close. I just have to fix myself more. I made a big mess and dug myself into a hole. Even a year ago with a worse job I was doing better.
At least knowing someone might read this helps. I know some anons go through similar things.
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No.40910
>>40907
How did you mess up the relationship?
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No.40913
ive wasted my entire life playing video games and i still suck at all of them
i almost broke my pc punching it out of frustration. i cant even be mediocre at something that isnt real and doesnt matter .
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No.40915
I grew up having autism and pretty nasty depression, but only later in my early adult years have recently realized I have OCD as well, and that primarily it effected my education without me even realizing it. It 's gotten to the point now where it became primarily thoughts about doing horrible things to other people usually children or animals, and although I can cope with it now, I'm fairly certain I can never open up to anyone about it ever in any capacity. They just won't understand and assume I'm some sort of evil psychopath. The combination of being a sperg and having pretty nasty depression already made me a huge target to avoid amongst "friends" in high school, but this added variant of OCD involving doing unspeakable things to people seems to solidify that I will never have friends in my life.
So essentially now I'm undeducated because I was too prideful to admit I had a problem earlier in my high school life, I can't make friends because litterally everything I do is shitty and they expect me to know why and I fucking don't, and I'm constantly dealing with unwanted thoughts about being a pedophile or a murderer or mutilating myself. I didn't ask to be like this. Life's a joke.
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No.40916
>>40915
I have thoughts like that and when I was tested they said I didn't have OCD. Pretty sure intrusive thoughts about killing and deviant sexual acts are universal to men. I mean throughout all of human history men have been killing and raping kids so its to be expected that our 'instincts' wouldn't just disappear over night. Anyway take the schizoidpill so you won't give a shit about friendship.
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No.40917
>>40916
>>take the schizoidpill
What does that mean?
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No.40918
>>40917
You have to schizoidmax by going out into the wilderness and endure mind breaking loneliness. You will eventually lose all social desires.
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No.40943
In my attempt to reply to a thread in crystal cafe I created a new thread by accident.
Kekapalooza.
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No.40952
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No.40953
What? No cg remake as well? :(
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No.40960
I'm glad I left twitter after only lasting five and a half months.
My nasty tone would've gotten me banned anyway.
It barely even belongs in imageboards.
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No.40964
I am sooooooooooooooooo sleep deprived right now. Serves me right for believing stronk coffee at 12 am would cure me art block.
Naptime.
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No.40978
I can feel the worst of me on its way.
I'd rather not get into detail other than it's impossible to contain it regardless of how positive of a spin I try to keep. It's happened before, so I'm taking a break until April 17th.
However, before I leave I want to clarify one thing:
Unless you've seen The Wrestler and…a certain music video that lasts over 7 minutes long and…sounds like the angriest Taking Back Sunday song you will ever hear in your life, the way I and my siblings feel about how certain people in my life have treated us is none of your BS.
Take care.
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No.40994
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
Pentti Linkola passed away today. This sucks.
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No.41026
TomSka was right: we can never outlive nor live down our pasts.
The tough yet horrifyingly gruesome, if somewhat edgy, side of me knows this.
The weak side, however, just wants to keep being that nice little child who tried his hardest to see the best in everyone until he was mentally raped to death.
Again, maybe that's the former speaking, but as if people who judged others for being edgy didn't end up blindly becoming 10x edgier themselves only to crawl into denial to avoid carrying the weight of their actions.
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No.41029
Imageboards are 4chan or dead i dont like discord
what do i do now?
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No.41032
Sometimes I can't tell if certain imageboards want to bring out only the best in me or only the worst.
It certainly mostly feels like the latter.
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No.41039
>>41032
I'm not going to pretend I'm not a cunt, even though it shows I'm not trying hard enough to avoid being one.
But in an image board for the country I reside in, something two people said really cut me deep:
One person: "I can't wait to leave this shithole country"
Another person: "By all means. But just remember, no matter where you go, you will always have the gene of evil"
People have the right to hate me, even if it isn't in their nature. They just shouldn't be surprised if I retaliate in a way that isn't as bad as the way they treat me. I assumed I never mistreated someone simply because their only reaction was silence, leaving me to think they didn't mind.
But in a life where pain is inevitable don't be surprised if the hard way is the only way. Especially when the only truth you know is that you're ALWAYS doing SOMETHING wrong, no matter how impossibly hard you try to keep track of your excruciatingly numerous decisions.
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No.41063
There were 2 kinds of ASD friends I had last decade:
The one who lasted for more than 3/4s of it who didn't treat my willingness to open up about my problems as a sort of contest, anymore than I did about his, but rather a chance to be sensible and understanding while still opening up himself with issues that made me feel mutual to him rather than counterattacked by guilt like that same contest,
And the one who lasted barely a year that DID…
The journey is becoming less and less worth the destination everytime I'm haunted by what I had to quit, go through, and get destroyed with along the way. I think I'm just going to stop following any cartoon I was hoping to enjoy at the end of this year.
No matter how hard I try to skew positive the odds are never in my favor and force me to do things I don't want to do.
The least I can do is leave people who I'm clearly just relapsing this BS on out of this.
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No.41074
>>41029
Maybe try one or more of these sites I mentioned here? >>41073
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No.41137
When I went to anime club, from the start of 2013 to the end of 2014, there was this one time me and my friend would pretend to give anime monologues. Meaning we'd put epic Anime soundtracks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBBA93XhWNI&app=desktop&persist_app=1 and have friendly, willing, and nonthreatening discussions with one another as though we were characters ourselves analysing and whatnot.
Fun times.
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No.41153
Someone told me never to delete my art, no matter how I felt about it.
Unfortunately they never said anything about how OTHER people felt about it, so I got rid of my entire art folder in this USB I opened up each time to put more art. Sadly, each time I did, bad things also seemed to get brought up, and I didn't want to cause people trouble.
On the plus side my art is (hopefully) at least saved on chan archives for once. I've been deleting hundreds of my art pieces since 2010 and am sometimes haunted by the ones not only I liked but even good people in the industry did as well.
Just one of the benefits of having ASD: These epic meltdowns.
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No.41162
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No.41166
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No.41168
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No.41173
Kind of something I don't want to acknowledge but I'm not sure how I'm going to go through life. I have plans and goals of what I want to do but the world seems so bleak that even if I try to go forth with them they're only bound to failure, no matter how well thought out they are. College seems like I'll just be wasting away my life to get a degree in some job I won't even like but if I don't go then I'll be stuck in some sort of labor-intensive job like fast food or retail, though I'd be fine with an office job even if it is just a typical thing. But then it feels like I don't even have enough skills to do an office job. I mean, what even types of office jobs are out there and what do you need for them? I don't know. Everyone says I'm "smart" but it doesn't feel like I am because if I was then why does it feel like I'll never be able to get a job I'm even fine with doing and will rather just work some laborious job where I'm slaving away my life or just ending up in some back alley dead from hunger.
tl;dr: Everyone says I'm smart but it feels like I'm never going to accomplish anything of any meaningful value to myself or others and will instead just waste away my life or end up dead somewhere.
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No.41175
>>41173
I feel the same way. I've recently tried taking an introductory class for a trade job but ended up having a panic attack and walking out when it came time to do actual hands-on work by ourselves. I barely made it through high school because my math skills are so bad. I was told that my English skills were better than 97% of the people tested in my placement test, but they don't offer much hope for employment in and of themselves. That was also almost ten years ago, when I graduated from high school. I've done nothing but work part-time jobs that pay peanuts since I graduated, and my plans to make more money have all fell through. I also learned not long ago that one of my jobs is probably shutting down due to economic conditions.
I only recently got my driver's license, I'm tired all the time no matter what I do, and I'm still a semi-NEET without good job prospects. I used to be considered one of the smart kids, but I don't seem to be going anywhere in life at all.
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No.41176
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No.41236
>>28201
>The corner where we shove all the unpleasant stuff we gotta put somewhere.
I'm gonna lose my job due to my laziness and self-hatred. Existential crisis over all these disasters this year, the plandemic, the orchestrated riots, the upcoming "second wave" before another lockdown while the 0.001% steal another half a trillion off our backs while local businesses get shut down and burned down, and things will get worse (keep an eye out for what will be called The Great Reset) when we all get vaccinated over boogeyman19 and if we refuse the worldwide social credit system will prevent us from getting a job or leaving town and so on – in short, why bother?
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No.41323
I finally understand what is happening since it's really nothing new dating back to my childhood. For people with ASD, this would essentially be what is known as "shutting down", which if I'm to describe it: imagine a mood so bad you don't want to do anything, not even think (let alone use your 5 senses), demotivating you from even moving if not staying conscious altogether. You were basically dying emotionally and mentally in a sense.
Of course with MY upbringing I wasn't allowed to shut down so much as be set to low, meaning I was very much conscious yet in the kind of f*cked up destructive pain you'd probably hate me for if I were ever to share it with you.
So yeah, if I seem like I'm running away due to being hypocritical/unstable/etc, good: That's probably what Dr. Jekyll (or Hulk, whatever) should've done.
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No.41326
Worked 10 hours straight yesterday..
*2ND COmment deLAyEd due to cOvid-19*
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No.41335
I have quit my job.
Again.
Herpin de derpin'.
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No.41339
>>41335
What kind of job did you have?
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No.41345
>>28201
Oh hey, my awful thread got carried over from the old site. Gonna be honest, I'm too easily upset just fucking being alive and soon after making the OP I up and ran when I saw anyone else post about their lives falling apart.
Y'know I don't think I ever respected 8chan for what it was rather than how I hoped it would be better. -but I made a friend and got to experiment with a kink community. Then 8chan died and everything was that much worse in coming to lose that little boring routine that made me wanna die plenty anyway.
>>41236
-and hoo-whee, for some reason I wanna waltz into here without even considering the shitshow the world is in right now. I'm able to consistently forget but anytime I do remember I can't say much has changed. To me everything is thoroughly imposing and hopeless no matter how comparatively not-disastrous my current living situation might be. I'd long given up on humoring /suicide/ (just as well ironically) but I'd say the only dream I have in this bleak vacant mind of mine is somehow the world cosmically retcons and reforms itself to just not be mostly awful and not have me exist as a depressed retard. I don't think there's happiness to be had for me in any scenario less than that.
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No.41347
Sure is nice knowing that if I happen to come across something which I've never seen before, that just so happens to also have something that some people don't like/triggers them, they'll still think I did it on purpose and go 2319 from Monsters Inc. on my ass.
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